Domestic Abuse, the hidden crime - Episode 1

My personal experience of the challenges of living in a household with domestic abuse.

It is known that reporting and escaping from domestic abuse is difficult, as there are still  limited resources and support available. 

This mini episode details my experience and understanding that it is crucial for society to provide better resources, funding, and protection for those affected by domestic abuse. 

Education and awareness are key in breaking the cycle of abuse and creating a safer environment for everyone.

Please note transcription accuracy may vary.

Music by - Neffex - don't want to let myself down 
Neffex - A year go

Please visit these links if you or someone you know requires support.

https://crimestoppers-uk.org/news-campaigns/news/2020/sep/how-we-can-all-help-stop-domestic-abuse-being-a-hidden-crime
https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/bulletins/domesticabuseinenglandandwalesoverview/november2022
https://www.ncdv.org.uk/domestic-abuse-statistics-uk/#:~:text=1%20in%205%20adults%20experience,1%20in%206%2D7%20men


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Transcript

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Welcome to another episode of ChatAholic. I would like to say. Hello to the new listeners from overcast. Thank you so much for listening. I'm going to just make it clear this episode is just me, myself and I. Reason being I did have a podcast interview today, and I'm not going to have enough time to edit it and get it out on time, so I thought I'll do a mini solo one, the next few, will be. More related to crime, but not true crime, hidden crimes. So this mini episode and the one that will follow will be centered around domestic abuse, which is a number, another issue that we are facing in our society. I did just wanna tell people that globally, 81,000 women and girls were killed in 2020. And yes, I believe that number was higher because of the pandemic, because of lockdown. Around 47,000 of that 81,000 died at the hands of an intimate partner or family member. So to put it into perspective, that's an average of one death every 11 minutes, and for some reason, domestic abuse is still considered a hidden crime. I feel like I can understand. The reasons why that would be the case. And so just to do the mini episode, it is around domestic abuse. So I hope this isn't a trigger to or for anyone, and if it is, I don't think this is the episode to listen to. I'm going to make it quite condensed because it is a mini episode and next week's episode, even though it will have a guest still continues, same theme. I've recorded this episode. This is the fourth time now, I guess I found this one slightly. I found it difficult to articulate, so I'm just going to, I'm just going to start and delve into it. I feel like people who've listened to my episodes know that. My mom obviously passed away from complications with diabetes because there was the Dear Diabetes episode, but it's very rare that my dad will come into an episode. Even referring to him as my dad is just it. Yeah, it's just very strange for me. So do you have a dad? I haven't spoken to him in over 20 years, and does that make me sad? No, it doesn't, and the reason it doesn't make me sad is because he wasn't a very nice person. He wasn't very nice to me and he wasn't very nice to my mum. I remember recently speaking to one of my relatives who used to stay over for weekends and. she was a child, and she said to me, she remembers hearing my dad, hitting my mom. And when she told me, I never knew that she knew that happened. I thought it was something that I was aware of, possibly my brother was aware of, but more so me because I'm the one that lived in the house with them. And I guess to start at the beginning, not so much the beginning because I feel like I probably should, I know she's not here anymore, but I don't want to just throw every single thing about my mom out there. But I know there was a stage where my mom and dad didn't live together. Because I spent time with him in his property and I spent time with her in her property. I don't know what their relationship was like at that stage, but I do know as the time went on, when we then moved into a house as a family, I remember. I say family very loosely because family means something different to everyone, but to me, I guess that was my family. It was highly dysfunctional and not a pleasant environment for a child to encounter, and also not a very pleasant environment for my mom. And I don't know, maybe it also wasn't a very pleasant environment for him either. just to make it clear, I'm just going to refer to my dad by his name, which actually is his name. Michael, and maybe it wasn't a pleasant environment for him. Maybe that's why he was such an angry human. Being, so we moved into the house. I know that my mom would tell me years later that she moved into the house with him and quit her job because he promised that, he'd look after her and he'd look after me. he wanted to be with his child. And his wife, because at this age they were married. So I don't know if there were issues before we moved into this house. I don't know, and I'm not sure if I really, really. Try and think back. I don't believe I ever asked her if it predated us moving into that house, but what I do know is I haven't spoken to him for over 20 years. At no point in time have I missed him or wanted to reach out to him. When my mom passed away, I know that he knew about it. And at no point in time did he reach out to me to say, hi, how are you? I heard what happened. Are you okay? And that's okay. I'm not even slightly angry about that. And when I say this to people, they think I'm lying, but I'm not because I find myself slightly privileged that. I know what I'm missing out on. I got to know him for near on up until my adolescence, I'm lucky. I feel like if you don't know someone, then you are always wondering what were they like, maybe having some possible. Expectations of what they could offer you as a parent, I know what I would be missing out on, and that's abuse, verbal and physical, because that's what my mum and I encountered living under the same roof as him. And I'm lucky because I will never wonder. What my upbringing could be like. I know a few years ago, his daughter, who is my half sister, who I didn't know existed, got in contact with me on Facebook because she, we had the same surname, so she wanted to find out if he was my dad, and I said to her, yes, he is. we met up once and I gave her his contact number and she asked me what he was like, and I said to her, do you know what? It's not fair for me to give you my opinion on him. you need to find that out yourself. But I did say to her, I didn't want her living a world where she was searching for someone who actually know you are searching for someone who doesn't exist that I don't know what a dad is supposed to be like. And I'm not sure if I've put it right to the back of my memory, but to me, I. Believe it was worse for my mum, and I believe it was maybe worse for my mum because when I got to a certain age and I was driving, I wasn't really home as much, and then sometimes he wasn't there anyway. And I know that once I got into adolescence, When I was home and when he did come home, I felt that me being there, it was my role to protect her from him because I didn't trust what he could do to her and I didn't feel comfortable. I wasn't comfortable leaving her if he was downstairs in the living room or if he was engaging with her, because I knew that at any point in time he could just switch. He could go from zero to a hundred in. Seconds. So for my adolescence, I feel like I was her protector, and that's fine. I don't ever feel like I begrudged that I was okay with that. I feel like sometimes I was angry with her because I don't understand why she stayed in that situation. And anger doesn't even, there isn't really, I can't think of a word that describes my feelings too towards him now I probably have words, but at the time, no. I guess it was just anger, immense, dislike despised him because I couldn't understand how a. Person could treat another human being like that. And also, I loved her. She was my mom. And the strange thing is when she wasn't around and it was just me and Tim, he actually could be okay. She was a trigger to him. And when she turns up at my school with bruises on her face and. I suspect maybe it was worse when I wasn't there when I was at school, or when I was at sixth form, also known as college. I do not know what else it's called anywhere else in the world, so I'm just gonna stick to sixth form and college. I think that was worse and at some point when. I got to leave that house. I felt guilty. I felt worried, but I felt safe. I felt safe when I was at school. I felt safe when I was at my friend's house. I never felt completely safe in that house and. I know she couldn't have, because at some point I got a lock put on my bedroom door for her to start sleeping in there. And in hindsight, that didn't even make any sense because the door was not even that sturdy. but I think maybe it just made her feel slightly better that she could get a. Good night's sleep. I just remember her thanking me for it, for putting, calling a locksmith to get a lot put on there, but we never really discussed it. And I did ask her once, why did she stay? Why would she stay in. A relationship with someone who was so volatile and she would say to me, she had a life, she had a job, and she was happy in that job. She had a property and she was happy in that property, and she stayed because of me, because she didn't want me to. Have a mom and a dad who didn't live together because, you know, nuclear family. It was the right thing to do and I don't know. I'm sure when I got to a certain stage, I explained to her that she didn't need to stay for me. That actually I was okay with. Not being part of this dynamic, and I wish I was able to say to her that actually staying in this situation in the long run is going to do me more harm than good. I will be a more anxious adult because of growing up in this household. I will be. I will be slightly more on edge over things that other people wouldn't be on edge over. I'm not good with arguments. I'm not good when people raise their voices. These are all things, even now that triggers for me, and again, I don't blame her for that. she didn't know. I didn't know. I just knew that he wasn't very nice and I struggled sometimes not knowing why she just wouldn't have the strength to get up and walk away from this. Beyond toxic situation, the that she was in, I'm not sure if I viewed it as, I don't believe at the time I viewed it as toxic for me. For me, it was just, this is my life. Now as an actual adult, I realize it was a toxic situation for a child, and I guess this is why I wanted to sue this podcast. I wanted to offer an alternative perspective on domestic abuse from someone who experienced it as a child. Just to say two people out there. I'm not saying that it's perfect. I'm not saying that we are getting it right because I don't believe we are. there's a reason why it's called a hidden crime. It's under-reported. By males, by females, there's not enough resources in place. There's not enough funding for the police, which is why you can watch things on tv or you hear on the news about people who die. They die because they were in these relationships with someone who, in the end, they took. The person who they claimed to love them, they took their lives, and I don't know, I feel like this is one that I don't know how does this become less of a hidden crime and more out in the open when it's something that. Victims are ashamed to come forward and speak out about, in some communities, it's just accepted that this is how things are. What are we doing about this? it's just allowed and people put up with it and don't speak up. Or people close their doors and close their windows if they hear something that is going on. I recently wanted to get in contact with him, Michael, that is to ask him just why. Why were you like this? And to say to him that, I think it's to say to him that his behavior was unacceptable, that it wasn't right, because I'm not sure. I know she, because I heard her say to him he needed to do better by me, but I'm not sure if she ever said to him that he needed to do better by her. I only know my experience, I believe. I think I know what a dad is supposed to be like. You know, that's why you hear people say about daddy's girls, and so I think maybe I do know what a dad is supposed to be like. I didn't have that. And do I feel sad about that? No, I, I don't, but I can only speak for myself. And I'm grateful for him. I'm grateful for him because he paid for me to have a good education. I was able to have a roof over my head. I was able to have food, I'm grateful for that. But, I guess mainly the main point of this mini episode was to just say to people, looking back now as an adult, to those people who are going through this, at least find someone that you can confide in. If you can't leave, there's no judgment, but find someone that you can confide in because. I don't know. Maybe that makes a difference. Maybe that'll make you feel less alone, and please don't ever think that you deserve to be with someone who treats you this way, that this is your worth because. It's not your worth and it's not a reflection on you being less of a human being. It's a reflection on actually them being less of a human being because they think it's okay to treat someone else in this way. And I don't know if that's harsh me saying that. But that's how I feel about my dad. I do. Want to add before I finally finish is domestic violence. Domestic abuse goes unreported. It's hence the name Hidden Crime I could have said to my mom, we can go to a shelter. we can get legal protection. But how do you expect someone to do that if it's also a well known statistic? The. When women flee from this situation, women, I'm going to keep referring to women just still being all about equality, diversity, and inclusion. But for the purpose of this, because my experience was based on someone who identified as a woman and because I identify as female. How can you ask people to flee when there aren't enough resources in place to offer them the protection that they need, I just know that I can't relate, but I do know what it's like being a child. Living in a household. With domestic abuse. I do know what it was like as a child, I guess being, I don't know. It is, I don't think even recording this episode, I don't feel like I'm at a stage where I could actually say I experienced. Domestic abuse as a child because, because it just makes it sound as though I grew up in a very unhealthy situation. But I don't feel sad. I don't feel anger. Like I said, I at some point would like to find Michael and just ask him the why's and does he know We deserved. Better from him. I feel like this should be my tagline, do better because I feel like we should do better. And that's it. So thank you for listening to this mini episode of Chataholic, where it is me, myself and I. I promise I will try and keep the mini episodes to a minimum thank you for listening to another episode of Chat Aholic, and again, I'm grateful for you.