Their Story Their Voice
Their Story Their Voice
Domestic Abuse, the hidden crime - Episode 2
This episode I was joined by Morgan who talked to me about this difficult topic and her experience with it.
Speaking to her provided me with answers to some of the questions I had raised in Episode 1. This was a relationship that was controlling and through speaking to her I understand why victims do not feel they can report this.
Her journey has been hard and has had long lasting emotional and psychological effects on her.
It came with shame and guilt that they feel this is their worth. It is not and I was grateful that she was open about her experience to convey to others you may be feeling like this but you are not alone in those thoughts.
I have included the links to support agencies if you or anyone you know is in need to help or support please reach out to support agencies.
Please note transcription accuracy may vary.
Music by - Neffex - don't want to let myself down
Neffex - A year go
Please visit these links if you or someone you know requires support.
https://crimestoppers-uk.org/news-campaigns/news/2020/sep/how-we-can-all-help-stop-domestic-abuse-being-a-hidden-crime
https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/bulletins/domesticabuseinenglandandwalesoverview/november2022
https://www.ncdv.org.uk/domestic-abuse-statistics-uk/#:~:text=1%20in%205%20adults%20experience,1%20in%206%2D7%20men
https://www.elle.com/uk/life-and-culture/culture/news/a37470/what-is-love-bombing/
https://www.firstpost.com/explainers/love-bombing-dangers-abuse-in-uk-12564592.html
Welcome to another episode of ChatAholic, This is part two of domestic Abuse, the Hidden Crime. This episode, I spoke to Morgan. Morgan. Kindly agreed to talk to me and tell me about her story and her experience. So this is the story, the journey of someone who has experienced and been a victim of domestic abuse because I wanted to speak to someone who has actually faced it. in the show notes, I will put links of where people can go to if they need someone to speak to, if they're looking for help. If this is a sensitive subject for you, then it probably isn't really the episode to listen to, but those people who stay, Thank you again for listening.Hi Morgan. Thank you so much for agreeing to do this. Just wanted to say thank you and welcome you to ChatAholic I'm going to start with asking you some questions, so take your time and if you can just try and answer as comfortably as possible. Don't dunno if comfortably is a word. would you start by just telling me a bit about you? Anything that you are happy to share?
Morgan:My name is Morgan. I am a property manager. I am 34 years old and I have two sons. And I'm a single mom.
Ad:When I asked you to be on the podcast, why did you agree to do it? Why did you say yes?
Morgan:I think that there's other women Have had. similar experiences that I have. And I think women in my position probably find it hard to speak about things because they feel they're quite smart and they should know better than to be in positions like this. And they probably don't have much support because everyone thinks that they're fine. So I thought maybe if I shared my story, it could help someone. What's probably similar to me.
Ad:Okay. Would you mind starting at the beginning Would you just tell me how the relationship with you and the person at the time started, Because in my head, I don't believe that people enter a relationship and then there's automatically domestic abuse. So what was it like in the beginning?
Morgan:Okay, so I met my ex-partner about 11 years ago, and I met him in a McDonald's drive-through. Bit of a weird story, but it was in a McDonald's drive through. We were both getting McDonald's and he had asked me if I could wait at the end of the drive through for him to speak to me. So I waited because at the time I thought he was a bit attractive. So he's come out, he was quite polite at the time. he asked me how my night was going, stuff like that. And we exchanged numbers. He phoned me the following day. We had, a casual conversation that he asked for me to be up with him. When he met with me. He did have a different car, so I just had curiosity. I said to him, oh, what happened to the car that I saw you in? He said, oh, the car's in the shop. And I just thought, nothing of it. We went to get something to eat, then I went back home. I said to him, where were you from? he told me that he was St Lucian, which is a country in the Caribbean, but in actual fact he was Congolese, which is an, African country. I don't know if he felt the need to tell me that he was Caribbean because I have a Caribbean background. At time I didn't look too deep into it. I just thought that's strange, but again, didn't pay much attention. he was quite nice, but he was very persistent. But, after a while I started to pull back and I did catch him in silly little lies. So first it was where he came from. Then it was about the car and certain things didn't add up, so I kind of pulled back a bit and there was a situation where I blocked his number. It was quiet for about two weeks, then he resurfaced again from a new number. And that went on for quite some months. Like there was times I thought, okay, he's definitely weird. Block his number and he would resurface again. So that's one of the reasons why I call him persistent.
Ad:when he turned up in a different car, which, do you know what valid? Maybe his car was in the garage. And then when he lied about his country of origin, did you, I don't know. Were those not already? Just early?
Morgan:red flags.
Ad:Yeah.
Morgan:It. You know what? Now I would say those are red flags. At the time I was a lot younger. I just thought, why is he lying? And I just left it at that, I mean there were things what kind of niggled me about him, hence why I kept blocking his number. But he kept resurfacing even that itself was a red flag. But again, probably me my age or maybe cuz I thought whatever, I didn't even at the time think that we was actually going to get into a full-blown relationship. I just didn't take much attention to it as I probably should have and those red flags, when I spoke about him with my sister and my friends, I thought, you know what? He's really nice. He's always checking on you. He does really likes you. That's why he keeps calling. as the time went on, I found it to be a bit cringy, but again, I just cannot explain to you why at that time I just kept answering the phone or why did I continue to go with him when he resurfaced? We went on talking until the point where he was, you know, he used to pick me up from work sometimes, or he would drop me lunch at work or send flowers to work and he was just always there. Then I remember my birthday came up in the February and then he did this grand thing for me to go in K West.
Ad:This is what would now be known as love bombing. which in the United Kingdom is actually now recognized as a sign of abuse when someone just is constantly sending you gifts and. Just showing you all the signs that we are told is indicating that someone loves you. So this is the early initial stage of him love bombing Morgan. I tried to find the best description I could, or the best article that I could to try and sum it up, and I feel like the best one I found was on l.com. When I put in love bombing, the first paragraph that came up was a bunch of flowers delivered to your office, A surprise, romantic getaway And yes, those things are lovely, and I am definitely not saying that. If your partner sends you flowers to your place of work, they're love bombing you. It's what happens next. And we'll move on now back to Morgan because yes, he was love bombing her. As indicated by what happens next.
Morgan:I remember I didn't want to go and I remember my sister and my stepmom saying, oh, you know what he really likes, you just go It's a nice gesture because he picked me from my sister's house and we went, and that happened, you know, we had did the spa thing. We went out to eat and even on that day I felt, ugh, I dunno, again, I just didn't feel a hundred percent about him after that in, after my whole birthday celebration thing. I started to see him a lot more regular. If I went, home from work, he would, you know, turn, I'm just gonna see you for a bit. And then shortly after that, that seeing me for a bit and staying became permanent, he always came back and we basically lived together without even it being a discussion or anything. I just, yeah, we was cohabiting now, We lived together and I was quite a social person. I used to go out a lot and he always had with me going out.
Ad:Morgan, can I just ask a question? Cause you said he always came back, was, I dunno the answer. So this is why I'm asking, was there a bits of you that was, I don't know, grateful or happy that he always came back.
Morgan:No, because I used to complain to my sister thinking, why won't this boy just go away? but at that point is that even, I couldn't say to him, will you go away? Because again, even through that moment, when he got irritated, you know, he did get quite loud. And my ex, he was quite big. So when he's in front of you, he's just like, okay, while you're behaving like that. So to keep the peace, I would just be like, okay, just whatever. I'm not gonna say I didn't like him. I did have liking for him, but there was something about him. What I couldn't put my finger on that I felt was a bit odd.
Ad:you said you were quite sociable, so now let's move forward to, you are living together. You are wanting to go out and see your friends and socialize. Was this now an issue
Morgan:It was a massive issue for him. So it would be, if I put something on, he'd be like, okay, why are you wearing that? then it would be, when I'm out, he would start to call quite a few times, like, where are you? Or sometimes he would pop up he did things like that. And I think even this is a thing where I'm not blaming anyone or anything. I just think back at the time, and I'm not very someone that's easily influenced, but I thought, okay, my friends kept saying, look, he really likes you. And he seems nice because around my friends, he was always seeming nice. He was very kind. so everyone was like, no, you really need to go for a good guy. he's all right. so I thought, maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I need to like this man because he's nice and maybe I just don't like him cause he's a nice guy. And the little issues I have with him, maybe I should stop going, maybe I should go out less. Or why am I always out? So I started to think, I need to change myself a bit because probably that's why I'm having an issue with him when he's trying to be, someone was at home and me and him doing things and I'm too busy trying to out with my friends. So I kind of changed a bit where I went out less, you know, it became more peaceful. I remember it was one of my friends', birthday parties. I went out there and then he turned up and then while I was walking, someone was walking, trying to talk to me. So when the person left and we got home, he was like, what was that about? So I just said it was nothing, but you can see nothing happened there. And that was the first time that he punched me in my face and again with that, and I thought, What was that for his response was that if you didn't go out, this wouldn't happen. And this is what I'm telling you all the time. we're now into a year of me and him. We lived together and kind of learned quickly not to argue with him.
Ad:I'm going to ask a question that I'm going to ask several times whilst we are talking at this stage. why wasn't this a time when you left, and I know people around you were saying, oh, but he's so nice, and because to them he came across very nice. But at this stage, why didn't you just run and never look back?
Morgan:I think even though that relationship's ended now and things, I'm a lot more mature. There's still questions to this date. I asked myself why didn't I know I knew better. Why didn't I, you know? Um, and there were times that I tried to leave and then he would cry I wasn't thinking straight and I really love you and it would never happen again. And I just, in my head, I just thought, what. You know what? I just remember telling myself, I'm just gonna give it some time. And then when it's all calm, I have a conversation with him and come out of this situation. That time clearly didn't come because it went, this relationship went on for over a decade. from there I kind of started to follow suit. I just wanted peace. So I just stayed at home, went to work, come back, um, didn't go anywhere. You know, if I did go anywhere, it was with him or I just stayed in this.
Ad:So you towed the line, you towed the line in a bid to, I don't even know if I want to use the word appease in a bid, to basically not aggravate the sleeping bear.
Morgan:guess so. But at the time in my head it was, I'm just keeping the peace, you know? And that was just my mentality. Keep the peace, keep the peace. Not realizing that was me accepting the abuse me keep this peace, And that just went on. I remember another incident after that, you know, something happened and we come to realize that he had a whole girlfriend that he was with and she popped up and. That was just another abusive situation I actually tried to leave at that point cuz she said she was pregnant. She was lying. We found out that she was lying, so I thought, maybe the fact that she's lying, why did she lie? And then he come up, said, I've been trying to leave her, but because she can't have kids, I've been trying to be nice to her and now me being nice to her is making it seem like I'm in a full fledged relationship with her when that's not the case. I didn't believe everything that he said, but the fact that she lied as well put me in a predicament to think, okay, who's telling the truth? Who's lying here? He is always here. I don't understand what's going on and when.
Ad:I am a strong believer in, I hear people say that, oh, it's because she's crazy, because women are crazy. And actually I sometimes, yes, there is mental health issues granted, but actually sometimes a man will make you feel as though you are crazy. And so I'm just wondering, was there fine? She actually pregnant and she lied about that, but was there actually something going on between
Morgan:was definitely going on between them because she popped up years later. something was going on now. Me being older, he made her crazy because he is a liar. it was just another toy in his little toy box that he was playing with. And they were together for a while. And I think he made her feel as if, because she wasn't able to get pregnant, I think she felt a bit bad in herself about that, thinking that, you know, all he wants is a child and I can't give him that. So I have to accept what he's doing and whatever lies he told her about me, I guess she just swallowed it up. but with that, I mean, she went quiet for a period of time, so I thought that was done. shortly after that, he kept going on talking about he wants to have a child. He wants to have a child speeding on a few years. 2016 I remember I fell pregnant and. Before that the abuse got worse. if we was arguing about something he felt like I was too loud, he would hit. let's just say, I wouldn't say that he hit every day or a lot of times, but he is a big guy. So his hits did hurt. But it was always a thing where if you don't shut your mouth, I'll punch you in your mouth. And again, to keep the peace, there's many times I just kept quiet for the sake of it. Cause I just couldn't be bothered. even if he was supposed to ask me, why didn't you leave? Then at this point I thought, I loved this man. I got used to him being around. We did have good times. And then a part of me felt like he just had a lot of issues.
Ad:I don't know if this is true or if this is just in my head, but I feel as though the longer you are in these situations for, it's almost as if it then becomes more of the norm. And throughout this stage two in one. was there anyone who you. Confided in. I'm not talking about, I'm going to any external like the police or anything.
Morgan:friend or family.
Ad:Yeah.
Morgan:When I spoke about what happened, I used to do it in a very joke for way, and I think it was difficult for, I said it in a way where I think people question is it affecting her, but I didn't show that it was if someone was supposed to say, where is he? Like he's probably out with his girlfriend and or say something to avoid talking about him or joke off what he was doing. I didn't really tell anyone about all the hitting, you know, there was times I would mention it to my sister, like, I dunno, he just slapped me in the face or something. And then again, my sister was not, no disrespect to her, but she's not very bright in the sense she'd be like, oh, he shouldn't do that, and then leave at that. And then we would just go into talking about something else. So it was just kind of put under the rug and I just learned to live with it and just made sure that I kept the peace in the house. when I fell pregnant, I still remember to this day that when I come out the bathroom with the pregnancy stick, he looked disgusted and But was it not him that's what I thought. That's what I thought. But he didn't look very happy. Then it got to the point where I planned this holiday for me and him to go on. It sounds pathetic now, but it's like I was trying to do everything I can to hold onto this relationship because I felt like he wasn't happy. And I knew that there was someone else there. I just, I couldn't put my finger on who it was or what was it,
Ad:was his happiness more important to you than your happiness?
Morgan:his happiness was more important to me. I didn't think about me being happy. I'm in this relationship. it's time has gone on now. We've been together for years. I'm catching up in age. I'm now 28. I need to have a child. How am I going to go and find someone else now, after so many years of being with this man? I didn't think he had any children at that time. so I thought, you know what? And then a part of me thought, you know, maybe, maybe cause he, because that came up before you are not giving me a child. You're too busy thinking about your job. I thought if I give him this child, maybe a lot of things will mellow out. but when I did question him about why did you not look happy? He said, oh, because his previous relationship, every time she got pregnant, she miscarried. So he didn't wanna get himself excited for something that could go wrong.
Ad:And do you know what? I will give that to him. That is a very, very, very good response. no one is going to question that.
Morgan:we went to Pathos the holiday, we went to Pathos and it was okay. He did seem a bit distant and stuff, I just kind of left it speeding on the pregnancy. I was alone majority of the time. he was out a lot saying that he's working to bring in an income, et cetera, et cetera.
Ad:Did the abuse continue whilst you were pregnant? Was there still physical and mental abuse still going on?
Morgan:when I can't recall him being too physical with me, I just, he would threaten, but he didn't really hit. Me at that time, but if I questioned where he was or stuff or he would just get annoyed. So I kind of didn't ring his phone. if he comes, he comes. If he doesn't, he doesn't. I kind of got used to it. I went through the motions being on my own. I was pregnant for my birthday, and he turned up late. I saw him the least during my pregnancy with my first son. I remember the time, me and him, our phones was on the same line and I remember seeing a number constantly ringing. I remember calling that number and the number was saved in the phone. As I never forget, it was saved as And I called the number and I asked, who is this? And I remember the girls when I said my name, she said, oh, I know who you are. She said, me and him are just friends. There's nothing for you to worry about. And I said, oh, okay. Said that speeding onto me, having my son.
Ad:Okay. At this stage, whilst May not seem important, I would not forget's name because will come up again a bit later on. Will appear and does have some significance to this story. At the time when you were in the hospital giving birth to your child, was he there? Was he actually, did he turn up
Morgan:the day before, cuz I said to him he was supposed to get the car seat. and then I knew I was gonna be induced the following day. we went get a car seat. And I had a credit union account, so before we got there I had to pull some of the money out to get the car seat, When we got there, I remember him saying to me, where did you get that money from? So I said, I've got savings, so I'm just gonna get my baby's car seat because obviously I need a car seat to leave the hospital with him. And he got angry and he pushed me in Mothercare and the security at the time. I said to him, what are you doing? Because at the time I'm heavily pregnant. And the security said, what are you doing? I remember him saying, come and open the car. And then he calm in the car and I'm trying to speak to him and he pushed me into the car. So I just thought, just take your stuff and go. And he walked off I went home. I had my bags packed and everything, and I didn't say nothing to him. later that night, about early hours in the morning, he come storming in. I didn't say much. We went to the hospital together, went, and then they said, they're going to induce me, but they don't know how long it will take. So he just said, okay, when you think it's time, call me. And he left. they could see I was dilating more. So I called him and then he did come back, and then he was okay, I guess with the birth. He was all right. Then he left again. Cause I had complications with the birth. It was two days I was there for, so that morning I was preparing to leave. I couldn't get through to him on the phone. It was difficult. And at the time he had my car, when he finally surfaced, we, I went to my grandma's. So, had my son, we got home again. He wasn't around that much again, even if my son was circumcised, it was a big order cause he took the car. He didn't bring home any bandages. And I remember having to take a cab that one o'clock in the morning with my son because he wouldn't answer his phone. the following day he didn't turn up the spare in mind. He had my vehicle. I had a calling his mother to say, look what's going on? The mother has ended up coming to the house that evening, because I feel like she probably felt a bit ashamed of what's going on with her son. The son resurfaced when he walked into the house. She's obviously questioned him, like, where have you gone? was like, she's lying. And then he charged for me in the front room. Mind you, I wasn't lying. He did disappear with my vehicle for two days and the mother had to stop him from whatever he was about to do.
Ad:Can I just ask really quickly, did his mum not then take him outside and say, do you know We need to talk
Morgan:I'm going to assume by her tone that she was telling him he can't do that, she was aware of him hitting me for quite some time. She did know. Then I remember abruptly one day he come in and abruptly said that we have to move. And I was thinking why? But we ended up moving to my aunt's flat for a bit. he was arguing with me and I wouldn't let him in. It was a flat and it had a communal door, And I remember him getting so angry that he kicked through the communal door. And when I heard him kick through the communal door, I FaceTimed his mother. And I said, now look cause it gotta the point where I kept comparing, say, your son is abusive and I can't take anymore. Could you please help me with getting him to stay away? He kicked through that door and these are fire doors. He kicked through the flat door and the result of that is for about three weeks. I couldn't see, even to this day, my right eye is still messed up, but I couldn't see out my eyes for that.
Ad:because you were in a flat slash in America a condo, there must have neighbors did. Did no one this?
Morgan:after it happened, I left. Like I immediately, I just ran out the flat. Cause remember the doors are all smashed in. Of course, the neighbor would have heard and. I ran to my grandmother's house, so by this time my aunt come back with me. But the amount of blood, when I got, back, the entire area was taped off. And the neighbors were talking to say that, from what we understand, it's the father. Cause they thought it was a kidnapping because they said, we just saw the car fly out. But that was me flying out, like basically driving out. Sorry. But when we come back, they basically had, the neighbors had said, it's the child's father. We see him here all the time. At the time it's bizarre because when the police were speaking to me, I did say it was him there was a warrant for his arrest. A few days later he called me. when the police come to interview me the following day, I didn't say it was him. I just didn't say. I said, I don't know who the person was. Obviously they knew I was lying, but I didn't say who the person was. A few days after that, I think it was about a day or two, he called me and he met up with me. Then he is like, I'm really sorry and how is the baby? And all of that. I was staying at my grandma's house at the time. And then I basically told a tenant in the flat that they need to go cause I want to go back to my flat. so he said he was really sorry and he was overwhelmed and that he's going to, he needs to go away for a little bit. He's going to Dubai and he's a bit short on money. But I just remember at the time that. I gave him 300 pounds. I didn't even know why, but I explained to him that there's a warrant for your arrest and stuff. So he's like, no, I'll sort it out. there was an email that he had where I shared, and that girl I told you about years ago that said that she was pregnant. She sent him an email basically saying, so you've done it again and you've made me pay for a hotel for you to stay with your child. So I've replied to the email and she passed me her number. I called her I spoke to her. She said, we've been seeing each other. We were supposed to meet the other day but he got caught up in something. When she told me the date, it was the day that he basically beat me up in the flat. So that's where he was supposed to go. I questioned her on this baby cot in a hotel. she gave me the telephone number. When I put the telephone number in my phone, it said at the time, I'm not remembering who was at the time, She's like, yes, he has a child other than yours and they're going to Dubai together. So I called this pretending to be British Airways to, cause I wanted to hear, are you going away? I said, just calling on the tickets to confirm what meal the passenger would like. And she was like, oh yes, it's for my partner. He doesn't eat pork. But other than that, he's fine with everything else. So that was a confirmation for me that they were going away together. I knew the details of the flight. My mother works at the airport at the time and I told her he's going to go on that flight and my mother signaled through to whoever and they arrested him off that flight. When I called the family and said, who is this child? They said, we don't know what you're talking about. I don't think they were lying. I don't think the mother was lying at the time. I generally don't think she knew who this child was. so they've arrested him off the flight. they've held him, he pled guilty to that charge and. I didn't turn up as a witness or anything, but he pled guilty. So he was given a restraining order for four years.
Ad:I just want to ask why didn't you show up?
Morgan:At the time I didn't, I dunno why I just didn't want him to go to jail. I dunno why. I just didn't want him to go to jail. I wasn't supporting their case in any way, shape or form. so that happened, he was given a restraining order and a community order. He didn't actually get a custodial sentence with a restraining order. the court had put in place that to mitigate with the child, he has to be done through his mother cuz he agreed with that. That was a conditions given. His mother had called me saying that, please we're gonna have to sort this restraining order out because how can you two be a family with this being here? So I had to go through the avenues of getting the restraining order to disappear.
Ad:would you have done that if his mother hadn't have, steer you into doing that?
Morgan:I wouldn't, cause she said to me, I'm gonna talk to him. I'm going to fix this. you two deserve to be a family sort of thing, so please, I'll sort it out. But at this point, I think I was in the worst position of my life to think that I've just had a baby. This man's had a child. Is someone else her child is one month younger than mine. Now I understand why you felt sick. when I was pregnant, he was too busy being with her. I had gotten her account of things, you know, he was always there. for my entire pregnancy, he disappeared. He wasn't there. when my son was born, he went back there. He only had time for them over there. They went to the zoo, they was gonna go to Dubai. All the first things. He didn't care to do it with my son, he was doing it with his other son. So when I heard all of this, I think at that point I was kind of in a bad way thinking like, how did this happen? And it sounds pathetic, but it's like I became more attracted to him. It's like I was doing everything I can to hold onto him.
Ad:Well, this is what I think. I think you, I don't know if maybe you were becoming more attracted to him, but actually I kind of believe that he'd knocked your self-esteem and your self-value down so low and he was giving someone else more than he was giving you that. Then actually, what did you feel like, okay, I now need to, I need to do better.
Morgan:yeah, felt like it's like, even though I was trying to do better, I couldn't do better. I lost a lot of weight. My hair fell out. Nothing was going right, you know, and he was just, I think he was enjoying my whole, I'm doing better. He even come out and said to me, the child is not his, He was like, no, the child's not mine. then it got to a point where one morning he left and with my car and I called her and I said, is he coming to yours? And she said Yes. And she kept me on the phone till he got there. And then I took her Uber to her cuz she gave me her address. I turned up and when she opened the door, the man is so twisted that he turned up and he said, she forced me to come here to talk. And she looked at him as if he was crazy. She was like, what are you talking about? I said, so the baby is yours. And he looked her in her face and he said, that child is not mine. And she looked a bit confused and I remember the more I could see in his face, he was getting angrier and angrier and to the point I had to, she started to talk too much and had to say to her, you need to stop talking. But it's like she was adamant that she wanted to keep arguing. I'm saying to her, do you need to stop? You need to stop talking. So I'm trying to tell her stop talking cause he's going to punch you straight in the face. And it got to the point where when he swung for, I stood in front and I got the punch. And I said to her, do you understand why I said, be quiet. So I remembered who was and I said, hold on. I called you. That means you was pregnant the same time I was. you knew about me. Why did you tell me? I had nothing to worry about. So at that point, I don't know. I hated her because I'm thinking you could have enlightened me. then when they did the d n A test, it came back to be his. you was giving her happy family life and abandoning me when you knew for a fact that my baby belonged to you. he loved her. He didn't care what cost he loved her. And if it was supposed to bring me down, he didn't care. Anyways. I remember getting so angry that I smashed her car up. because she started to make her mockery of it. She was just like, I don't care about your son. Who cares?
Ad:I just wanna ask you. No judgment. She in a different way. this isn't her story. This is your story, but She was also one of his victims.
Morgan:Fair enough. maybe she was to a certain degree, but she had no compassion or regard for me. the fact that I can see him hitting you and then I'm standing up in the way so I get the punch. At some point you think it's decent to then turn around and tell me, I don't care about your kid. You should care about me and my kid because my kid didn't, we didn't do this. You knew about me. You lied. What reason, what have I ever done to you for you to lie? And when this man is telling you that I'm a crackhead and I'm an alcoholic, you knew it wasn't true. And you was aware of him being abusive towards me. You just cared about yourself. But I guess she was under his spell. It's just that I got angry. You know what made me angry? I know better. I just think she could have been a lot kinder about things. That's just how I feel. But that was at the time. Now it's, you know, I just feel like she could have been a lot more kinder about things. Cause she knew he was lying about a lot. after that incident, I flew to America and I remember was I booked, my ticket was booked for a month. And I was there for about a week and this thing came over me where said, you know what? You're now 29 sat down with this man for how many years? I don't wanna go out this life with one child, but if I have two from the same relationship, I'll be okay. And I put my ticket and I come back to England. And lo and behold, when I was driving to go home, a car pulled up next to me. It was him, like the person was driving cause I have a personalized plate. So he knew it was me. And I come home from the airport. I dropped my mother and I dropped the baby to my grandma's and I went home. And in my mind I had one intention only, and that was to get pregnant again. And that's exactly what I did. So when I fell pregnant, I didn't tell him. About it. I was like, I'm gonna do this one by myself. And he, again, he didn't care about me. He didn't speak to me nothing. few months later,
Ad:I don't understand how you could even bear his physical contact.
Morgan:in my head, I didn't think I could ever find anyone else, and I just didn't want to just have one child. I said, you know, if I have two for the same man, I can go through this life with the two. I don't need to have any more children. I'll be okay with it. I've got two from this and I'm okay to do it on my own. That's the one I thought only in my own, only in my brain. I set up to do it on my own because I didn't tell him I didn't see him. I found out I was pregnant on Valentine's Day, didn't say anything to him. Rolling onto May, 1st of May. My brother died when that all was happening. Remember my family knew I was pregnant. I think it was my sister that called him and said, you need to come And then I remember my grandma saying, you know, she's pregnant. it's yours. And he said, I know. then I think at that point in his head, good. I still have her, you know, because, I was pregnant,
Ad:this is a question really that I would like to ask him. Obviously I'm not going to do that, but was there a stage where you were no longer a person to him. You were a,
Morgan:I was in possession to him. Years later, he admitted to it. He thought I would never go. So that's why he could continue with his women and his, and he had several women and they all were above me. They all was back through, they were all, I was the only one that was a beating stick. I was only beating stick. And if I tried to leave, even if it got to the point where the times that he left in his mind, she didn't leave me, I can just go do what I want, he would disappear. He would the same man. What used to, I used to block that, used to find his number to call me was the same man. What? He changed his number and I wouldn't have it. his first birthday. My son didn't have his dad, but I saw the videos and the pictures of the first birthday that he had with her son. they, they didn't get to go on the holiday at that time, but they ex executed the holiday the following year together. And they went on several holidays together. My son had nothing. we, when I was pregnant with my second son, he found out sort of thing. I did say to him, do you wanna come to the scan He said, no, I don't care. And then I remember there was a time that I started to bleed and I guess he was with her and he said, I don't care. You should, I don't care if it bleeds to death. And I said, okay. And I left him alone. When I, again, I was induced from my last son, and I went on the hospital on my own. I didn't say anything. I remember calling my grandma to be able run an update. And she said to me, tell him, she said, it doesn't matter if he comes, just know that you talk. So if your son ever asks you told him. And I remember when I called him, he's like, what do you want? And I said, I'm going to be induced. Then he's like, where are you? And I told him where, and I was induced, but I remember when he walked through the door, It's like labor started straight away and I had the baby. We went home and he went off to take care of his other child
Ad:how did that make you feel? Was there a part of you that for, and it's okay if it wa if there was that for, do you know what maybe, you know, we now have two children. Maybe this is it. Maybe this might
Morgan:No, I didn't think that because in my mind was made up. It's like how I felt, the darkness that I felt I couldn't love it. I felt like I was nothing. The fact that I wanted you to to do all these things for you when you were horrible to me, you know? he would disappear again and he would come back and it was just, he knew I didn't have anyone and he knew was taking care of them two kids. If you said anything to him it was just ridiculous. Either you get barked at sworn out or I remember something, you know those dental spray bottles. I remember him throwing it at me and I thought, oh, I just spoke to him on a mini months. just do what you do cause I don't care. He wasn't nice about anything. He was just abusive. He'll be nice now and again. But I was just, I got used to it to the point where please go with your women. Do, even if women called you and said, please do not tell him that he called that you called me, please just get on with your relationship.
Ad:Throughout this was there. Was there ever, did it ever, even if it was just once, enter into your head that, I don't know if I'm going to get outta this situation
Morgan:it sounds bizarre. Cause in my mind I kept saying if I manage him well, I will be okay. So I spent a lot of years managing him. You know, I managed him the best way I could. Avoided things. Managed him. Managed him, managed him. So let's just say if he starts flying off the handle, I start pulling back a bit. So after that, it wasn't case where he would call me names. he would say insulting things, but they bounced off. I just, in my head, I'm saying it doesn't affect me. All I wanted him to do is go and to be with his women and the base, the minimal that he did for his sons, then just do that. I went back to work. we had an arrangement. he didn't follow the arrangement, which resulting to me having to be waking up crazy hours in the morning to get to Camden at 7:00 AM to finish work at four so I could pick up my son. He wouldn't do it. He was too busy. he had a arrangement with the other woman to take care of the child full-time while she was at school. My kids was in nursery. And to drop off and pick up, it was hectic. It's like he was angry to have to do that. fast forwarding, I ended up moving When we moved over here. I had to renovate the house. Any tasks that he got, I ended up having to take time off of work to get it done, set up the kid's room, come back. There was condoms in the kid's room. I just, I said, what is this? He actually had the audacity to try to blame it on me that when it came up that on the dartford crossing on the statement, I said, look, you had the car at the time. Yeah, I remember him saying to me, I'll punch you in your face if you ask me again. Cause I told you it wasn't me. So you can see how disrespectful this man was to bring women in a house that I worked for, you know, and I was doing everything to decorate and get sorted for, well this family, but you felt the need to take my car to bring women and your friends there to do whatever you was doing. And that day that he had my car, I had an interview and it's just luckily that I said, you're not let me get a zip card to the interview because I wouldn't have had my car on time.
Ad:when did the breaking point come for you? it's not all the time, but the statistics of a woman being killed who's in such a relationship is higher when she actually leaves.
Morgan:said that if he took my life, it would be an accident. Not deliberate, but most cases, I think that's what it is. So again, even how breaking point come along is that when we moved, I'm fully aware of him and his women fully aware, I was happy when he went. the last woman I found out about, I remember saying to him, could you gimme some space? And he was like, if you ever ask me for that again, look what I'll do to you. I'll never forget. And I remember going to the next bedroom and putting on my headphones and then he come in, he said, I'm sorry. So I had to change my act. And a few weeks later I head up saying to him, I said, you know, I don't think I'm being the best girlfriend I can to you, and I really need to really reevaluate and think, and I just think maybe it's best for you to have some time. And it's like me wording it in a way where I had to do better for him, made him listen. And he left. He left and I didn't hear anything. He one night he come back and my cousin was staying with me at the time. And at the time I remember watching an Instagram live and I think I fell asleep with the phone in my hand and. There was someone in my phone that was showing me interest and at the time I just think it's nice that someone's showing me interest. So I was entertaining the conversations. he punched me awake with the babies in the bed. My cousin has run upstairs and to try to obviously tell him, leave her alone. And he slapped her in her face. But at this point she had already called the police. So they heard it?
Ad:At this point because of the other incident that had occurred when you were living in the flat. I'm talking about domestic abuse. Was he, now, I don't know how it works with the police and their but was he known them on the riot? Okay.
Morgan:It was not that, like even what happened that was just one of the incidents. When we got back, there was another situation my address was on high alert because of the, cuz the neighbors would hear things. It was constant, his screaming and his carrying on and everyone was in, in the neighbor. My direct neighbors was aware that he was abusive. I think it's just, I wasn't very accommodating to the police when it came to talking about it. I said nothing.
Ad:Why, why?
Morgan:I not say something? I just feel like, one, they're not gonna help me much. What's the point? It's embarrassing. And then the last time he did something, you people let him out. You are always gonna let him out. And then when you let him out, where do you think he comes? He comes straight back here. even the time that he got a custodial sentence, he still added me to his pin and was phoning me and I thought, when are these people gonna get it? So it's not much help you give him a restraining order. The day when he got the restraining order, the following night, he came to the house, what do I do? Swing this paper in front of him. So I didn't have much trust for them to protect me. I had to figure out how to not make this man angry, but to protect myself. but when he slapped my cousin in the face, she's younger than me, I just think, no, I'm not going to tell her to lie to the police. And I remember saying to her, tell them the truth. Whatever you say, I'll back it up, was okay. I wondered why did he hit her? A few days later, again, there's a warrant for his arrest. Again, he's always disappearing. He's called me and said to me, oh, my cousin messaged him saying, if there's anything you need, let me know. And I said, what? Why would she even message you that? So he's come back to the house and he's there, and I remember that Sunday I had to go pick up the children from his mother's. They were in the house. When I come back to that time, she messaged me saying, oh, he's talking to me, but let me know when you're coming back again. I said, it was odd. When I got back to the house, the key was in the door, so I wasn't able to get in. But I drove back fast cause I thought something's just not right here. When I opened the door, he was upstairs and she was, and in the space of an hour, the two of them were paralytic drunk. Cause I couldn't wonder why did he do that? He would, he's not so like, usually if there's an altercation with me and him, he doesn't assault other people. I'm the only one getting the hit. That night. I called the police on him. Cause I said, you know whether there's something going on between him and her. Fair enough. She is younger and he's older. Anyways, I called the police on him that night and in his drunk state, they removed him from my house. That night I didn't sleep. The morning when I woke up, I went downstairs and I said to her, he just called me saying, I'm sorry for what happened in here yesterday. What happened? And then she said, I'm sorry, I said sorry for what? She said he tried to kiss her. Then the story changed several times, but if you come to put sense, make sense, a nonsense. There was something going on between the both of them. That's why he thought it was okay to raise his hand to her. She was in my house for about two months. The following day she left, he got arrested and he was held for nine weeks. And that was kind of the really and truly that for me, that was the end. And I had to get my house surveillance. I did different things just to make sure that I keep myself safe. When he was released again, there was an order of him to stay away from me. He used to drive outside my house at funny hours of the night. He still did weird things
Ad:morgan, I know the arrangement with your boys. how will they know to not be the same as this man?
Morgan:I didn't want my sons to grow up to see me going through that. I didn't want my sons to have to pity me. You get what I mean? to this date, everyone would say, you're not with So you're at the abuse. I'm definitely not out of it Not realized. I'm still very much under his spell. I still manage him. I'm still very wary of him. I still live my life trying to please him. So I was with someone, I did everything I could to keep him out of the way. I just still to this day, try my best to still manage him. And even though he's not being abusive, I think he's suppressed. And I think it's only a matter of time before he blows at the moment. Now he's quiet, but that's not gonna be for long because in his mind, you belong to me and you must come back. And three years on, he would go quiet, but he would pop back up and if he dust things like pop up outside my house and at all hours of the night, he actually drunk and I'm not. I realize that he's a lot calmer when he knows that there I have no one, but I am still trying to manage him the best way I can. I don't trust him very much. I do try to co-parent with him, but I know that he cares about me a lot more than he cares about those children. And for him to be a good father, he has to be in his mind has to be okay with me.
Ad:Is he, and actually I am ask this very unapologetically is he capable of being a good father, in your opinion, is he.
Morgan:Not to my children. No, he can't. He's too possessive of me to see those children as his children. They're people that I can use to stay close to her. I know he questions them. He picks them up and drops'em to his mother's house. There might be an arrangement now. No, that's just for him. You can see his traits. He wasn't allowed in my house and stuff like that. He's trying everything to step back in, he's, you'll say, I've changed.
Ad:I don't think he's capable of being good human being.
Morgan:I think with him. Cause just to let you know, another child came out the woodwork, which is actually older than mine. So you can see the deceit that I. Basically received from this man for how many years? I think he's a very dark person. I think he does need to get some kind of help. I think he believes that everything was happening to him. It's someone else's fault. He believes his lies and he tries to give people a view of him. That is a complete lie.
Ad:Talking about he needs to get help, a hundred percent. He does. He does need to speak to someone, but I'm not interested in him. Have you at any point in time spoken to someone and yes, I do mean professionally because actually, do you know what? And I'm sure I put this in the questions, I do believe you do have some form of post-traumatic stress disorder
Morgan:think I spend a lot of time trying to be my own therapist by reading things. So if you were supposed to say to me, was it wrong? Yes it was. Why did you stay in there? I don't know. Why don't you go and get help? Because someone's going to tell me what I already know. How is someone going to, I'm fully aware, I'm trauma bonded to him. I'm fully aware that I accept his nonsense.
Ad:But I do feel like there is someone you can speak to about the fact that you. Linked to him through trauma.
Morgan:There is, it's just that I would have, for me to go and see that help, I would've to fully say to myself, I would've to accept, it's okay if I say it to you, it's my fault. You're gonna say, no, it's not. No, it's not. Yeah, I understand what people say, but I think that would put me into a depression for me to have to realize everything that's happened, everything that I went through, I'm going to have to now relive it. I'm not sure that I could cope. Going through that, like having to remember I have to talk about it, all them things. I don't think, and I do think in my mind, at some point in my life, it's going to come, but now I don't think for myself, I think for two other children, how has been affects me as a mother. I don't have a great experience of being a mother. I love my children. I do, but I think he's taken every good, any joy or maybe it's a myth. Maybe the things that you see on Instagram and on TV is not real. I didn't have a good experience being pregnant. I felt like it was a struggle. I felt like I spent more time managing him, and I think it's so much different things I'm going to have to face because I still choose wrong men. I still, I'm very erratic. I still don't sleep well, and I still have him in the forefront of my mind before I do anything. I just don't believe someone's out there.
Ad:.I can't convince you to. To speak to someone, but I a hundred percent I feel like you should. And when and if that time comes I'm a hundred percent in
Morgan:I just don't think that you see, if someone was supposed to come to me and explain like even the purpose of me doing this podcast is mainly for me to basically say for anyone who's been in my shoes or something similar. Go and get help from an early stage. Don't let it drag you to the point of where I am now, because in my head it's 12 years in. It's double the time out in my head. It's gonna take me about 24 years to ever recover from this, and the day I'm saying I'm going to recover from it. I feel like that's it. I'm gonna spend more time recovering than trying to live when subliminally, I'm not living now, but I'm trying my best to be the best version of myself through it all because I do know it was wrong. I do know that he's not a good man, and there's one thing that I'm happy about. Even though it might not seem like much I'm confident in myself that I will never go back to him. I'm confident in myself that if he does anything to me, I will call the police. I'm not going to sit here and allow you to abuse me. And I will make sure that you're prosecuted. So in my own way, I will do better now, not only for me, but for my sons. And I think that's when you realize that you were just abusive because you're a bully. Because now that he's aware, he's not threatening, he's not being nasty, he's not saying the things, what he used to say before. I think he thinks before he speaks to me now. But that doesn't mean that he's not capable of still being abusive.
Ad:He hasn't ever at any point in time
Morgan:No, he tried. He tried to do a therapy session with me and him about co-parenting, which made no sense. It was couples counseling and the counselor. remember her saying to him, she said, I don't think you realize that when you speak about her, you don't address her by her name. You call her, or she. she said, one thing you need to learn is to respect her and maybe if you respect her, and she said to him, I don't wanna use the word, I'll never forget. She said, you don't, I don't wanna use the word possessive, but she's not your property. and you need to get that out of your mind. Only it boils down to it. He thinks I'm his property and he doesn't respect me. And in his mind, you are supposed to be with me through anything. And he did admit it. He said, I didn't think you were ever going to leave. And I think me leaving him is making him a worse person, but instead of taking blame for it, he blames everyone else.
Ad:talking about this, has it been hard for you? Because if it has, I'm sorry
Morgan:I think when I talk about it in a way where I think I can help someone else, I'm able to block or suppress any form of distress that would cause to me. So I've been very good at being robotic towards,
Ad:it's like dissociate yourself from, from this story
Morgan:I'm doing it to help someone else. even though it sounds in my mind, I say, okay, it sounds bad, but it's not really that bad because I'm okay now. I'm a functioning adult, you know, I have a job. I pay my bills. I'm able to still make people laugh. I'm able to, you know, be supportive to my friends and family, and I'm still no one would ever look at me and think, okay, she's affected by it. And for every bit of progress that I've made over the years, where now I'm able to, you know, I go out again, I feel a bit more lighter with things. For me, that's an improvement to me. I don't spend my days thinking about it, or it's like I've accepted it and it's gonna sound mad, but I've actually forgiven him for it. I don't hate him. I just pray that he'll be a better man for his children. I don't wish any bad on him. I don't even want an apology. I don't even care now why you did it. I just say you did it cuz you're sick. You have your own issues and you just wanted to dim the light in me and it's fine, There's still a lot of things that I need to shake, but I think, you know, it's still a work, work in progress. And I think talking to some, probably something that I'm definitely not gonna do no time soon, but I don't, it's not something that I walk with every day. It's happened. and I wouldn't wish for anyone else to be in my position cause I know it feels like. And it's not very nice. I would say I'm a very strong person. I don't think everyone has the same strength as me. And I think things like that could cripple someone because there's milestones of your life what you miss out on because of someone else, and you spend more time trying to protect them and completely devaluing yourself.
Ad:I'm just gonna say thank you, Morgan. Thank you for having the strength and the courage, You're welcome you're welcome. Thank you. Thank you so much for listening to another episode of ChatAholic. I know this one was slightly long, but I didn't want to cut out too much of her story because I just didn't think that was fair to her, so I hope that was okay thank you for staying if you managed to stay for the entire episode. Thank you so much and as always, I'm grateful, I will be back in a couple of weeks another episode if you do know anyone who you believe may be experiencing domestic violence, domestic abuse, then please. Click on the links, please find places or people that they, you can speak to if they want to. Because like Morgan, maybe I get it now. It's a hidden crime it's tucked away. Victims suffer in silence, but I don't feel like it should be like that. I don't feel like we should live in a world where anyone should suffer in silence.
